nine weeks. scared, excited, scared, happy, lol and way more feelings….. I have come a long way to realize the small things in life and what’s important, what matters, and the wonders of it. expect the unexpected, bliss fills my body.
Monkey see, Monkey do.
A dark side of the moon tribute playing all this morning. Guess after a dark strong storm, the sun will shine way brighter the next morning. It’s good to say, that today I woke up most beautiful and with the most energy I’ve had in my life…. nothing will bring me down ever again. I am content.
I’ve been looking through old journals and writing a lot about my past lately. Just toying with the ideas of memoirs etc. There’s a lot I documented over the years that I’d almost forgotten about. Anyway, here’s what I think would be a great opener for my memoir or a add on to my essay collection…..
I’ve never been to rehab. I’ve read about it. I’ve heard about it. But I’ve never been. Yet somehow, I’m familiar with how it works, because I’ve been committed to a psych ward. Which is pretty much just like rehab except you’re encouraged to take drugs rather than stay away from them, but nobody enjoys it because they’re all too depressed to care……
and well it starts getting a little personal from here. Well only the next three sentences, I’ll keep writing soon, I need a clear head.
My old tumblr blog used to be filled with a lot of my thoughts. A whole new view to my madhouse, whom I like calling my mind, All the crazy thoughts, meaningless rants, absurd ideas, but most importantly and quite my favorite… my little short stories, my capsules of life and so on. Haven’t really expressed myself… really expressed myself in well the best way I know how too. It’s been a while since I sat down in front of my laptop and just typed away words in which would be elegantly tied into a story that would let you travel into a place and time unknown, to become that person’s best friend just by knowing what her mind really consisted of. See? Rant-crazed chick overrrrr herrrrre… lol well I miss writing and I will get on top of that asap, so yeah…. but tonight sleep calls my name so I must respond… I just hope peace is with him.
I guess time heals a lot of things.
I guess I think it doesn’t but looking back, it does.
I guess I can just be really sad.
And cry a lot.
And try to let it out.
And maybe it will go away.
And everything will be decent again.
Not good, but alright.
I hate the way I manage to take matters into my own hands.
And ruin everything.
And probably every chance I get for something to make me…
Sometimes I think of that one time in life when I was really in love with you. Actually, to say it was once would be a disservice to the beautiful thing living inside my skull. It was a cyclical love. It is a cyclical love. To which there is no known remedy. One that fades and intensifies like the leaves on trees and tides in the ocean.
Sometimes I wish you knew that the life I lead and the words I bled are in your name. Even though we don’t know each other anymore. But I know if our paths crossed in a crowded airport terminal or lonely freeway rest stop, that we would walk on. To you I would be a passerby with sullen seascape eyes. To me, you would be a yellow bird escaping from its cage. A cage that holds my lungs and heart. The silent parts, you know the ones that birds love?Sometimes I wonder if I am someone’s yellow bird, and then I hope it isn’t so because I couldn’t break another person the way you broke me.
Sometimes I long to inject you in my veins again. To feel the bastardized euphoria and diluted reality and hold onto you. Planning weekend getaways with you, breakfast nestled in towns not listed on maps. You could play with my hair and I could count your eyelashes. We would tell each other things we’ve never told anyone else and we wouldn’t have to explain. We would just understand each other. Even if it was just one lazy afternoon raveled in sheets watching the rain fall on the window pane. We wouldn’t even have to talk we could just be and that would be alright.
Sometimes I think this all seems psychotic. But I think psychosis is nothing more than feeling. A little more deeply than the average human. And if that’s what it is, I think that would be okay. Am I being clear, or just tying words together without making sense lol? So let’s check out. Let’s paint the world with our conjoined psychosis. Let’s get away before the flame goes out because it’s only a matter of time. And maybe that’s why I’m writing this down. When I am an elderly woman, recalling my life, I will have no tangible evidence of your existence. Except these few simple words that catalyze a fleeting passage through my young head. I will remember you and I will hope that you never had regrets and I’d like to think that I’d even smile a little. Contemplating the idea of some purgatory for lost loves waiting to escape our imprisoned minds.
When you still had a girlfriend we went out for a beer and I discovered that this was not a date.
While I sipped my chai we discussed the pleasure of sharing comfortable silence, and then paused. I tried to tell you what I was thinking with my eyes….
No words, just a feeling of pleasantness, content, the empty satisfaction of knowing you’re going nowhere.
That you are fixed in time for a moment that could end but doesn’t.
That could go on forever but doesn’t.
-de Lira 09/15/2012
I’m scheduled to work at 5pm, idk what time it is now but I’m no where near ready!
I’m soooooo lazy! I just want to bake cupcakes, (imagine I’m baking cupcakes) shop on amazon.com for new action figures and decals. Or just google different drugs on the interweebz and listen to Pink Floyd! Life does terrible things to ya, sleep deprivation!~
Thee, this is.
I love Lord of the Rings and Star Wars. I own all 9 movies.
I do like gamer merchandise.
I love comic books.
I get really sad sometimes.
I like different kind of music.
I love writing.
Im scared to lose people.
I hate the sun.
I believe in and love dream catchers.
I hate nightmares.
I have experienced lucid dreaming.
I love science.
I do have a favorite band, Pink Floyd.
I say stupid things.
I do things impulsively.
I cherish friendships more than regular people.
I’m stubborn and outrageous.
I love anime.
I love singing when drunk.
I have been asked to do vocals for a band.
I’ve been through things that no one should endure.
I’m a strong person but I cry over the littlest things.
I like reading for fun, and vocabulary expansion.
I love being alone most of the time.
I am fascinated and strongly amazed by the whole concept of Psychedelia.
I play bass.
I enjoy driving on the freeways when empty, listening to Led Zeppelin.
I have a slight obsession with owls.
I am majoring in Chemistry.
I will forever admire Jim Morrison’s mind and soul.
I’ve seen Radiohead twice and the feeling never fades away,
I’m definitely more of a Jonny Greenwood fan though I still love Thom Yorke!
I spend most of my money on vynil records books and dvds.
I think morphine is one of the best feelings I’ve ever felt, morosely.
disneyland in the morning.
yayyyyyyy! as excited as I was my first time ever there. it’s kenneth’s birthday and we will get on “it’s a small world” as many times as he will like :)
his jealous friends are the cutest :3